Lost & Found
by Kissylipsandacarrot
Summary: If you were gone in another life, I don't believe I would just survive. I could feel you next to me, an escape from the world I'm in. Oh, I'm afraid of the world I'm in.
1. Chapter 1

_ganzel never happened. pre lewis, post stabler leaving_

* * *

 _The bar was filled with smoke and the faint sounds of an Aerosmith song. It was busier than normal, there were only a few bar stools left open and a group of officers in the back playing pool. The pair sat close together, him resting his arm on the back of her chair._

" _Three shots of tequila." He told the bartender._

" _I didn't peg you for a tequila kind of guy." She insinuated, bringing her finger to mix the foam of her now warm beer. The bartender set the glasses down, pouring the bottle of Patron into them carefully. He reached for the first shot and brought it up to his nose, breathing the aging citrus flavor in. He let out a light moan and she rolled her eyes. He brought the glass to his lips and quickly poured the alcohol into his mouth._

" _What about the salt and lime?" She quirked an eyebrow at him. He shook his head, baffled that she would even ask him that question._

" _That shits for pussies." He replied, downing his next shot, "If you drink tequila with salt and lime, you don't like tequila."_

" _Good to know." She said before taking a swig of her drink._

 _Another shot._

" _Hey man, can I get three more for the pretty lady to my right?"_

" _Oh, no. I'm good, really. I don't do tequila." She tried to persuade him but he was not having it. The bartender sat the shots in front of her and she gave him a look._

" _Just put it to your lips and drink it. No, don't smell it." He instructed her, raising his hand to bring the glass back to her lips when she attempted it._

" _You smelled it."_

" _Do as I say, not as I do. Now drink."_

And just like that, their beautiful, yet, _complicated_ relationship had begun. No candlelit dinner. No flowers. No holding hands down the streets of crowded people. Just a bar, tequila, and a sloppy one night stand. She wished she could say it was more romantic than that. But the cold hard truth was just that. He had gotten her drunk off her ass. Off _tequila._ Something she swore she would never drink again after college. But the way it felt when he placed his hand on her thigh, she would drink a whole fucking bottle just to feel it again.

He was her addiction. The high she needed when he would place kisses on her body. The rush she felt when he would take her up against the wall, mere seconds away from her coworkers walking in. The dependency she craved when he would bring her to the brink of an orgasm. He was something she just couldn't quit, no matter how hard she tried. And the worst part of it all, he had absolutely no _fucking_ idea how much she loved him.

Loved.

 _Damn you Brian Cassidy._

"Liv, ya ready to go?" He asked, peering his head around the corner to her bedroom.

"Yeah, can you zip me up?" She turned around to meet his stare. He wiggled his eyebrows and let out a whistle.

"You look hot." He whispered in her ear, taking the piece of metal between his fingers and zipping up the back of her dress. Placing wet, quick kisses on the tanned soft skin of her back, she let out laugh.

"You really know how to woo a woman, don't you?" Olivia moaned as she turned around in his embrace, wrapping her arms around his neck.

It was the night of the annual New York Police Department Gala. Hundreds of decorated officers, commanders, and detectives would be honored and recognized by the state of New York City for their heroic and brave actions.

" _It's a croc of shit, Liv." Brian rolled his eyes at the idea of attending a dinner alongside the cities biggest asshats._

" _I know, and I get that you would rather be caught dead than at this gala. But will you_ _ **please**_ _go? For me?" Olivia pleaded, grabbing hold of his jacket and pulling him close to her._

" _Liv…" He tried._

" _Please. I'll make it worth your while."_

" _Fine. But I'm only going because of the open bar."_

She was ecstatic when Brian agreed to go with her, and now, looking at themselves in the mirror- her dress pulled above her thighs, panties around her ankles, pressed against the wall while Brian whispered dirty things into her ear, his hips moving at an unbelievable pace- she is sure there is nobody else she would rather go with.

"Come on, we're gonna be late." Olivia said hastily, pulling the black lace up her legs and her dress back down.

"What a shame. Wouldn't want to miss the royal ball, would we?" Brian smirked, zipping up his pants. He grabbed Olivia's purse and opened the front door for her. "Ladies first."

* * *

She had always loved Brian's place. It was a small studio apartment; the walls covered with exposed brick, hardwood floors that creaked when you walked across them, and wooden beams along the ceiling. Windows lined one wall leading out to his fire escape- decorated solely with a dead fern and a box crate covered with a blanket. He had a bookcase in the corner that was filled with thousands of records, a pool table in the center of the room, and her favorite part of his apartment… a swing. It was held by two long strands of road, tied numerous times around the beamed ceiling. The first time Olivia had ever stepped foot into the room, she was taken aback.

" _What in the actual_ _ **fuck**_ _is that?"_

 _Brian chuckled and plopped himself onto the piece of wood. "It's a swing. You ever seen one before?"_

" _In parks. Where children play. But never in a grown man's apartment." She cocked a brow._

" _What a shame, I was planning on rocking your world on this swing." He shot her a toothy grin. She just rolled her eyes._

But, just like Brian, she had grown to love that rotted piece of garbage in the corner. Olivia had to admit, he brought out a side of her she never knew she had.

"You want a beer?" His question brought her back to the present.

"I'll have whatever you're having."

"Tequila it is." Brian poured them both a glass. Making his way across the room, he handed her one and plopped down on the sofa. The pair sat in silence for a few minutes, Olivia nursing her drink and Brian channel surfing.

"So?" She finally said, breaking the silence. He felt her mood shift and set the remote down, turning to face her.

"So."

She paused for a moment, opening her mouth to speak and then closing it.

"What're we doing, Brian?" Her voice was quiet, unrecognizable.

The question hit him like a ton of bricks. She had left him truly and utterly speechless.

"Uhh, we're about to watch a movie?"

 _Typical Brian move; deflecting confrontation with humor._

"No, I mean 'us'." Olivia instantly regretted even bringing it up. She wanted to laugh at how clingy and ridiculous she sounded. She was most definitely not like this with any man, ever. _Oh the things this man did to her._

"Oh, that." He poured the rest of the tequila into his mouth and set the glass down on the table.

 _He was going to need way more than a shot to get through this._

"Look Liv," He paused for a moment, wracking his brain of something to say. _Anything to say._

"I'm not into all that lovey dovey shit, you know that. But I think you're a great girl, and we're just having fun here, right?"

 _Fuck._

 _That was dumb._

She wasn't sure of how he was going to respond, but she most definitely didn't think it would be like that. She would be lying if she said that his remark hadn't hurt her, and it was visibly written all over her face. How could she be so stupid?

"Liv, look. That came out wrong, that's not what I meant…." He tried.

"No, you're right. It's fine, it was a dumb question. Just forget about it. Please forget I said anything." She cut him off, discarding the glass onto the table and gathering her things.

"Hey, hey, hey. Come on, Olivia. You don't have to go." He jumped off the couch and chased after her. His hands came up to wrap around hers, stopping her from picking up her coat. He leaned his head down, an attempt to meet her eyes with his.

"I think it'd be best if I left."

 _Damn her stubbornness._

"Look, alright? It's late and it's raining and I wouldn't feel right letting you walk the streets of Brooklyn alone. We've both had a long week and plenty enough to drink. We'll just pretend it didn't happen, okay? Forget any of the dumb shit I said back there." Brian tried to persuade her, and for a moment he thought he had won.

"I'll call a cab." She broke free from his embrace and grabbed hold of the jacket.

This was not how she saw the night ending. She was embarrassed and ashamed of how naive she had been. She knew the kind of man he was, and yet, like the true dumbass she was, she fell madly in love with him. There was something about his roughness, his inability to let anyone close to him that had sucked her in. Olivia had spent the past three months weaseling her way in, an attempt to find that connection she knew was between them.

She knew he took his coffee black. She knew his takeout order from General Tsao's. He loved baseball, vinyl, and tequila. His favorite band was Cream and he had came from a big family. She knew the small details of his life, his past. But she didn't know his favorite color, if he wanted kids. She didn't know the whole Brian. And in that moment she realized it.

He was never going to open up to her.

So she left.

It was hard and it took everything in her body not to turn around. To wrap herself in his arms. To make love to him until the sun came up. But, instead, she kept walking. The tears didn't escape until she made it home. She poured a glass of wine and before long she opened the bottle of vodka.

She was going to need something a lot stronger to get through this.

Back at his apartment, Brian sat on the fire escape- a cigarette in one hand and the half empty bottle of tequila in the other. He took a puff, then a swig, then another puff.

He really did like Olivia. She had a great personality, a great vibe, a great body, and she was _really_ great in bed. She was just… _great._

He cursed himself for managing to fuck up another relationship. He could blame it on his childhood- his father's abuse. But he knew deep down it was his own fault. His own demons. He was closed off, independent- but it was all for a reason. Everyone he ever let in always fucked him over in the end. And he knew he should have told that to Olivia, atleast gave her a warning for the way he acted.

He just wasn't ready.

He never saw himself growing old or settling down. Dragging this thing on with Olivia was wrong and fucked up in so many ways. Maybe it was for the best. She deserved the world, even if he couldn't be the one to give it to her.


	2. Chapter 2

**ONE MONTH LATER**

It was a shitty case. A four year old girl raped and murdered by her step father. She needed a shower, a stiff drink, a quick fuck.

It had been a little over a month since she had ran out of Brian's apartment that night and he still managed to cross her mind everyday. Maybe she should give him a call.

 _Yeah right._

She laughed.

"What's so funny?" Fin rounded her desk and made his place to sit on it.

She looked up at him and gave him a sad smile.

"This job. Don't know why we do it." She told him, scratching her brow.

"Hey, come on now. Cheer up, Liv. Squads going to Maloney's tonight, you wanna come maybe take your mind off everything?" He tried.

"I appreciate it, Fin."

He stood up and leaned over her shoulder.

"I'm not taking no for an answer." He whispered and patted her back.

Before she could rebuttal, he called over his shoulder.

"And besides, you need a drink.

 _Why the hell not?_

* * *

She can only name three times she had been blackout drunk.

The first time was in high school- she was sixteen and had been invited to Beau Rogers house. He was popular, handsome, and the star quarterback for their high school football team. She hadn't planned on going out that night, but a last minute argument with her mother had been the final straw for Olivia. She was young and inexperienced, taking cups from senior boys and drinking them with no questions asked. Before she knew it she was lying on a table, clad in only her skirt and bra, while Beau took shots off her body. She didn't remember much about that night, she just remembered waking up the next morning. _Naked. In his bed._ That was how Olivia Benson lost her virginity.

The second time was in college. She was dating Robert Singleton, a boy she met in one of her english classes. They had been going out for a few months and he had invited her to his friends apartment. She was expecting it to be a calm, laid back night. A few of his buddies, a couple cases of beer- nothing too crazy. But when Robert pulled up, she realized she had never been so wrong about anything in her whole life. Cars lined the streets, the music so loud you could hear it outside, strobe lights shining through the windows. She had wanted to just go home, scared the police might show up, but he convinced her it would be "fun". So she went. And she drank. And just when she thought she might be able to make it out of there- they called her to do a keg stand. She assumes she did it, a headache from hell the next morning is all the confirmation she needed.

And the third time?

Right _fucking_ now.

She had agreed to go out for a couple of beers with her colleagues. A couple beers turned into vodka on the rocks, and vodka on the rocks soon turned into shots of patron. Reassuring him she would be fine, Fin left. Rollins was the next to go, then Amaro, and soon enough it was time for Munch to call it a night. She was alone.

She didn't want to go home. She would just be met with silence. Darkness. Here, at the bar, she could pretend she was okay. She could pretend that the liquor eased the pain, that it filled the empty holes, that it healed the hurt.

Olivia Benson was a strong woman. She was fierce, independent, so sure of herself. Oh, how she longed for that invision of herself. Sitting in the corner of the empty bar, her hand shakily holding a half dranken shot glass, she never felt so dark.

Elliot rarely crossed her mind anymore. She can faintly remember the times she was filled with so much anger and sadness. The one person she thought would never leave her.

 _Gone._

After a few months, the realization kicked in. He was never coming back. She had spent every day with him for the past twelve years, and he couldn't so much as pick up the damn phone? So she got over it. She's not sure how she did it, it seemed nearly impossible to forget someone you loved so deeply. But she did.

Then Brian came along.

 _Maybe she can get over him too._

"Can I get a refill, please?" She slurs.

"We're getting ready to close up, sweetheart. Want me to call you a cab?" The bartender took the glass out of her hands and began wiping the countertop.

"S'fine. I'll walk." Olivia pushed herself up from the chair and fumbled backwards. Her hand reached out and she was able to grab onto the wall.

"Woah, now. I'm not exactly sure you can make it out the door." She heard. She could barely keep her eyes open, the blackness beginning to overtake her.

"Can I call someone to come pick you up?" Those were the last words she heard before she closed her eyes.

* * *

He couldn't sleep. He had just got back from an undercover operation, a gang in the upper east side convicted of distributing drugs. It was a good bust, one person killed and two injured. He had taken a blow to the back of the head, went to the hospital, and was dismissed that night. He was on mandatory leave until next week, and he took it with no questions asked.

So he laid on his couch, a rerun of Terminator playing in the background, staring up at the ceiling.

He heard the faint sound of his phone vibrating against the table and didn't recognize the number calling.

"Hello?"

A young man's voice came over the phone, "This is Grant from Maloney's, I have a woman here who told me to give you a call. Is this Brian Cassidy?"

 _Olivia._

 _It had to be._

"Yeah, yeah that's me."

"Okay, sir. Is there anyway you can come down here and pick her up? I can call a cab if not."

There was no way he was letting her get into a cab.

"No, don't do that. I'll come get her. Where did you say you were again?" He asked, pulling on his pants and jacket.

"Maloney's."

 _Got it._

"Give me ten minutes."

* * *

Opening the door to the bar, he was met with darkness.

"Hello?" He called out.

A man, Brian assumed to be Grant, emerged from the back of the bar.

"You Brian?" He asked.

"Yeah, where is she?" Brian looked around the bar,

 _He better not have let her leave._

"She's over here. Passed out a couple minutes before I called you. She kept saying 'Brian' so I used her thumb to unlock her phone and I got your number. Poor thing must've had a rough week."

They walked to an empty booth, where his ex girlfriend lay, fanned out across the seat. He sat down and scooted his way close to her. He raised his hand to sweep the hair out of her face and she moaned.

 _At least she's alive._

"She come in here alone?" Brian asked as he made his way to begin picking her up. She stirred.

"Nah, she was with a big group of people. They left about an hour and a half ago, she stuck around."

"Alright, come on Liv, let's get you home." He threw her arms around his neck and wrapped his around her waist.

"Bri?" Olivia raised her head to look at him.

"Yeah, it's me. Let's get you out of here, okay?"

She nodded her head and leaned back into him.

"Thanks for calling, man." He told Grant.

"No problem. You two get home okay."

Brian had picked up many women from bars. He was a cop, it was his job. He had seen men throw them over their shoulders and carry them to their cars. But this was Olivia, a dignified honorable officer, she deserved respect. So he tried his hardest to allow her to walk, maneuver herself around. It got both of them nowhere.

"Come on, Liv. You're not giving me much to work with."

She didn't move a muscle, didn't even let out a peep. So he did what he was trained to do. He placed his hands around her thighs and hoisted her over his shoulder. She was lighter than he expected and when he raised himself up her head connected with the door frame. She whimpered.

"Shit, my bad." He reassured her, lifting his other arm to reach the spot he had injured.

"S'okay. Can't feel my head." She slurred, letting her arms hang down behind his back.

He set her back down when they got to his car. Opening the door, he slowly placed her into the seat and began buckling her. He looked up at her face- eyes closed, mouth slowly open. She looked peaceful.

 _And so fucking beautiful._

After he buckled her in, he closed the door and went over to his side. Once he got himself situated and turned on the car, he turned to face her.

"Where we goin'?"

SIlence.

"I'm gonna take you home. Is that okay with you?" He put the car in drive and pressed the gas. Suddenly she spoke.

"Don't wanna go home."

He turned his head to look at her again. She didn't wanna go home?

"Well then where do you want to go?" He asked her.

Silence again.

Frustrated and at a stop light, he spoke again, his words harsher this time.

"Liv, you gotta tell me where to go. I can't just sit here all night."

He heard her sniffle and when he looked over his heart almost broke. Her eyes were open now, they were bloodshot and tear-filled.

"Are you crying?" Brian asked her.

He watched as the tears began streaming down her cheeks. Moving his hand to rest on her thigh, he slowly began to rub it up and down, trying his best to comfort her.

"Liv, hey, why're you crying?"

"Don't wanna be alone." She sniffled

"Shh, it's okay. We'll go back to my place, alright? You don't have to be alone." He wiped her tears away with his finger. She immediately calmed and began resting her head on his hand.

"Okay, you're okay.

* * *

When they had finally made it to his apartment, Brian carried her up the flights of stairs and carefully discarded her on his couch. She reeked of smoke and booze, his final decision to change her out of her work clothes. When he returned with the sweats, he slowly undressed her, making sure she wouldn't get sick again. He started by unbuttoning her shirt, the black lace bra coming into view. He swallowed. Olivia had always told him how uncomfortable it was for women to sleep in them, the main reason it was the first item of clothing discarded when she got home from work.

"Liv, uh, I'm gonna take off your clothes, okay? I just want you to be comfortable, is that alright with you."

"Mmm." She told him, sticking her chest out so he could reach behind her and unclasp it.

He had faltered, his fingers nervously coming up to touch her. He reached around her, using one hand to pinch the top portion of the strap where the hooks were attached and the other hand to keep the bottom part in place. He tugged gently and froze when she let out a noise.

 _A moan._

"Bri." She rasped out.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and began tugging again, ignoring her reaction. She was drunk, shit-faced even. She couldn't consent and the last thing he wanted was her to regret calling him. The clasp finally gave out and he watched as her breasts relaxed, falling back to their natural position. His mouth went dry. Now, there was a new task at hand. He had to get the shirt on her, which meant taking off her current clothing.

 _Why was he so nervous?_

Slowly and steadily, he withdrew her arms from the shirt sleeves and pulled the lace straps down her shoulders. As he went to pull the bra off, he felt her hands on him. Squeezing, rubbing, reaching. She let out another moan.

" _Touch_ me."

His mouth ran dry.

He paused for a moment to gather his thoughts. His ex girlfriend lay semi-naked on his couch, on the edge of blacking out, asking him to _touch her_? There was no way in hell he would take advantage of her like that. He cared about her too much.

 _Cared._

 _Respected._

 _Loved._

 _Fuck him._

"Liv, I gotta get you dressed. Can ya help me out here?" He spoke, his voice breaking.

Her hand returned to his thigh, squeezing it gently.

"Come on Liv, can you sit up or _something_?"

 _Jesus Christ_ , she would be the death of him.

Just as he began to speak again, she sat up and yanked the bra off. She stared into his eyes, her face expressing pure lust. He stared right back at her, her nipples hardening at the cool air.

"Fuck me, Brian."

He was pretty sure he nearly fainted at her words. A month ago she left his apartment, hell bent on never talking to him again. A month ago he watched her slam the door and run into the streets. A month ago she walked out of his life. And now here she was, thirty one days later to be exact, begging him to touch her. _To fuck her_. He couldn't wrap his mind around it.

His eyes never left hers. Taking her hand, he placed the extra clothes he had brought her into her palm.

"Get dressed." He had told her.

And then he walked out of the room.

* * *

Her head was pounding.

Taking a moment to look at her surroundings, she locked eyes with Brian.

 _Brian?_

 _What the fuck was she doing at his apartment?_

She was fully clothed, she could feel the soft fabric of his sweatpants against her thighs and the cotton material of his tee shirt brushing against her bare chest.

"Good morning sleepy head."

She stared at him blankly.

"Don't remember much of last night, huh? You were pretty drunk, had to pull over a few times so you could puke out the window."

She remembered going out last night, that much she could recall. But did she really fall into bed with her ex boyfriend?

"We didn't do anything, Liv. You were so shit faced, it was like dressing my six-month-old nephew." He reassured.

 _He must've been reading her mind._

He had dressed her? Images of her ex-lover discarding her pants, shirt, and bra crossed her mind. She believed him, not because he was one to turn down drunken-sex, but because she felt no soreness between her legs. She could recall countless mornings waking up hungover, covered in love marks, her thighs sticky and bruised from him.

"You wanna talk about it?" Brian interrupted her thoughts.

"Talk about what?" She questioned, making an effort to raise herself up from the bed. Her head spun, her stomach churned, her whole body ached.

 _Nope._

 _Not yet._

She placed her hands on either side of her body, gripping the sheets.

"Whatever it was that made you rack up a hundred and fifty dollar tab?"

 _No wonder she can't remember a fucking thing._

Another wave of nausea hits her, and before she can even process it, she is jolting up and running to the bathroom.

Her stomach contracted so violently that she barely had time to reach the toilet bowl. She heaved again and sank to her knees and retched until only clear liquid was coming up. Brian's hands appeared to grab hold of her hair, gathering the strands out of her face until he had it all fully pulled backed. Olivia continued to dry heave and finally rested her head on the side of the toilet.

"It was a little girl." She finally speaks.

"You can't save 'em all, 'Livia."

"Then what's the fucking point?" She spit back, her head rising up sharply causing him to let go of her hair. She rose to her feet and he backed up, letting her exit the bathroom. He followed her to the bedroom, watching her.

 _God he missed her._

"Where are my clothes?" She asked, never making eye contact with him.

"In there." He pointed towards the living room, trailing behind her again as she walked out.

She immediately spotted her clothes on the floor next to the couch. She picked them up and looked over her shoulder, spotting Brian behind her crossing his arms.

"Do you mind?"

He rolled his eyes and turned his head while she began undressing.

"Are we going to talk about the elephant in the room, Olivia, or am I supposed to just forget the fact I had to drive all the way to Manhattan to pick your drunk ass up last night?" He questioned, matching her tone. If she wanted to act pissy, so could he.

"You want to talk? That's rich, Brian." Olivia half-heartedly laughed, pulling up her slacks.

"What's your problem?" He questioned, confused why she was acting like such a _bitch_.

"What's _my_ problem?" She threw back sarcastically, "I don't have a problem, Brian. I'm sorry for calling you and ruining whatever the fuck it was you were doing last night. Trust me, it won't happen again."

"C'mon, don't be like that. I didn't- fuck. Can we just sit down and talk? Please?" Brian pleaded, running a hand down his face.

"I have to go."

"Of course you do. You always 'have to go'."

"Are you _fucking_ kidding me, Brian?" She is yelling now.

"I am so tired of arguing with you, Olivia! You were the one who called me, _remember_?"

"What do you want from me, huh? For six months I poured my heart and soul out to you, six god damn months. And what do I get in return? 'We're just having fun.'? You know what your problem is, Brian? Do you? You blame everyone else for your mistakes except your own self. I might have drunkenly asked for your help but you are the one with the real issues here. I'm done."

"You know what? Maybe I am fucked up. Maybe I'm not the most trusting person, maybe I'm not the most loving guy. But for you to stand there and play the 'holier than thou' card is fucking bullshit."

She has nothing left to say. She is so tired of fighting. Grabbing her purse, she makes the walk to the door.

 _Déjà vu._

As she opens the door, she takes a deep breath in.

"We were never gonna work, were we?" Olivia turns around, seeking for something. _Anything_

"No." He hangs his head, smiling at her sadly. She nods her head and just like that, she's gone again.


End file.
